Letters to the spammers

It’s Christmas time (well, okay, six days after Christmas for all you pedants), and you know what that means –
It’s time for letters!

When I was younger, I’d send letters to Santa, obviously. Threatening letters, usually along the lines of, “Give me the bicycle, old man, or you’ll watch Rudolph suffer.” A few years later, when I found out [spoiler alert!] that Santa didn’t really exist, I’d send the threatening letters to my parents and relatives instead. To tell you the truth, I’d always had an inkling that Santa didn’t really exist. We don’t have a chimney and the notion of Santa breaking into our house always seemed unconvincing and slightly disturbing.

I digress.

Okay, so now that I’m too old to send family members threatening letters and get away with it, I’ve decided to divert my excess Christmas energy into other pursuits. I’m still going to write letters, but not to Santa or family. I’m going to write letters to the people who are responsible for bringing my blog this far. To the people I love and value above anyone else. To the people who comment on every post (their comments are sometimes just gibberish, but it’s the thought that counts). In short, I’m going to write letters to my spammers.

I’ve decided to proceed by picking the first five comments I see in my spam queue right now and responding to each one individually. Let’s begin.

1. “The ten most odd bag secrets… and ways to employ them!”

Greetings, dear spammer!
Let me begin by saying that I appreciate all the good work you are doing. It is not every day that you find kind, generous people who are willing to divulge useful secrets for free, especially when it comes to ‘odd bag secrets’.

I am quite chuffed that you have chosen me as the ‘keeper of secrets’, so to say. I am intrigued by the idea of bags having secrets, especially odd ones. Tell me everything, spammer – let no holds restrain you. Tell me all the deep, dark, dirty secrets. What do bags do in their free time? Are there any drunken parties hosted by Gucci handbags? If so, are suitcases invited? Are schoolbags outcasts? Tell me – I’m sure I can handle it (pun very much intended).

2. “Most people previously used to laugh at Japan – but this time I actually laugh at all of them.

Hey there!
I will get to the point immediately – I do not approve of this. It’s terrible that people laugh at Japan (even though this is the first time I’m hearing of this) but I do not think that the right way forward is laughing at them. You’re trying to fight fire with fire but remember this – be the better spammer. Don’t laugh at them – instead, put glue on their seat or permanent marker on their favourite clothes. Laughing’s just lame. Teach them a real lesson.

P.S On a side note, why were they laughing at Japan? I’m curious.

3. “Selection of positive practices to discover more about women well before you’re abandoned.

Dear spammer,
I noticed that you chose to spam my ‘About’ page with this comment. I take it that you read my ‘About’ page and then decided that unless I receive immediate advice, I will soon be abandoned. I thank you for your timely and considerate warning. I will be all ears for any sign of impending abandonment courtesy my immediate family, extended family, friends or the like.

What I do not understand is why I need to ‘discover more about women’. Are you implying that I am more intolerable to women than I am to men, and therefore, am more likely to be abandoned by female associates? If that is, in fact, the case, then I am quite worried, sir, as I myself belong to the female half of the population and until now have always tended to believe that I have discovered (more than) enough about myself. In fact, I often wish that I was less familiar with myself than I currently am.

Regardless, I thank you for your concern.

4. “The terrible honest truth relating to your beautiful japan illusion.

Sir/ Ma’am,
I will ask you directly – Are you the spammer who has been laughing at Japan? Why do you feel the need to mock Japan? Let me tell you, Japan is not an illusion – I am almost completely sure that it does exist. However ‘japan’ as you call it does not exist – the nation is called ‘Japan’, with a capital J. I greatly appreciate your desire to tell me the ‘terrible honest truth’, but with all due respect, I do not think I will be able to believe a spammer who does not capitalize the first letter of proper nouns.

5. “Exactly why no company is speaking of watch and things one should implement as we speak.

My spammer friend, hello!
I take it that English is not your first language. That’s alright – you’ve made a good effort. I sense a feeling of desperation in your comment – you have something ground-breaking to say, but cannot communicate it to us. I sympathize with you – I have often been misunderstood as well, usually deliberately. Anyway, I hope you find the right words – the world is cruel to those who cannot communicate well.

Lots of love to all, and have a happy New Year!
Mushroomsup xx


9 comments on “Letters to the spammers

  1. Akshita says:

    😀 Thank you, for making me smile/laugh whenever I read your posts! It’s a rare gift.

  2. technophile9 says:

    You gotta love the spammers. They’ll give you nuggets of wisdom that you won’t get anywhere else. Kind of tempted to do this myself. 😀 Now I appreciate them even more.

  3. Aliyaaaa says:

    You can’t make these up! Hilarious!

  4. This was hilarious. sadfjashdlfiuahseiofn (random gibberish to imply I didn’t have anything better to say and reinforce your ideology that it is the thought that counts :P)

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