Why Suárez’s Biting That Guy Is Justified and Why All Of Us Should Do It Too

I don’t know too much about football and the World Cup. My expertise is mostly limited to shouting, “Kick, man, KICK!” at the television once in four years and making keen observations like “GOALLL!” whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Then suddenly, during a World Cup match some days ago, an Uruguayan player called Luis Suárez noticed the Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini and decided that he wanted to get himself some of that. So he bit him.

And then all hell broke loose. Suárez now faces a nine-match World Cup ban and a four-month football ban.

If you ask me, they’re being too tough on the guy.

Firstly, Suárez’s argument for why he bit Chiellini is both compelling and tough to contest – he says his intention was not to bite. “I lost my balance,” he says, “making my body unstable and falling on top of my opponent.” Basically, he just happened to fall teeth-first into Chiellini’s shoulder. Fair enough. Losing your balance is a valid argument – and common enough, judging by all the times Ronaldo has lost his balance when in close proximity of a member of the opposing team.

It’s obviously a coincidence that this has happened to Suárez twice before – apparently, he has very bad luck when it comes to accidentally tripping into delicious shoulders.

If Suárez’s own statement and his puppy-dog face aren’t proof enough for you critics out there, that’s okay. We’ll do it your way. Let’s say that Suárez really did intend to bite Chiellini and that he was yearning for a bit of Italian as a palate cleanser after his prior gustatory experience with Dutch and Serbian.

I still think we’re being too quick to judge Suárez’s actions.

In the world of Twilight and similar wild, exciting vampire romances, a 27-year old Uruguayan footballer can hardly be expected to not indulge in a little experimentation. Frenzied young girls everywhere swoon after brooding young men with pale skin, an aversion to sunlight and neck fetishes. Perhaps Suárez wanted change the dynamic of his fan-following. A younger, largely female support base might do wonders for Uruguayan football. Suárez’s intentions were good, surely – he was willing to take one for the team. What’s one little live televised mouthful when there’s victory at stake?

Or maybe I’m reading too much into this. Perhaps Suárez wasn’t trying to change the support base, and was simply trying to see what all this vampire nonsense is about anyway. It’s something I’ve often contemplated myself.

We could see this another way too. Sportspeople often clench their teeth (this is called bruxism) when stressed. Clenching the teeth stimulates the release of stress hormone cortisol which produces the ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ response – causing them to fight back or run away. Suárez was stressed by the imminent possibility of losing the match. So he clenched his teeth. And unfortunately, due to an untimely combination of fate and the tendency of footballers to entangle themselves in a mess of assorted body parts, the Italian’s shoulders happened to get trapped between Suárez’s jaws.

It was Chiellini’s fault, really.

But my best theory comes from the most experienced biters themselves (other than Suárez himself, of course) – babies. Babies bite constantly and intractably. Why? Apparently, the gums are more sensitive than the fingers. So when babies bite, and put things in their little mouths, it is a process of learning. It helps them discover their environment and (get this) helps them find out more about the object or person they bite. It’s how they learn.

So when Suárez bites footballers, he’s learning more about them.

This is quite revolutionary. Suárez has taken a toddler’s favourite activity and made it his own. I’ll bet that, with all his experience, he’s probably honed it into a skill by now. When he bit Chiellini, god knows what sorts of things he was finding about him – what his favourite food is, what he likes to do in his free time, his favourite colour.

No wonder all the Uruguayans (including the Uruguayan President) gave him a hero’s welcome when he returned home after the ban was issued. Those sneaky Uruguayans have been hiding an undiscovered genius. His unique skill could be, in fact, the evolutionary trait mankind has been waiting for. All we need is for everyone in the world to do what he does, and then maybe, just maybe, this skill could evolve into the homo sapiens’ sixth sense.

So go out, reader, and get biting! A friend, a neighbour, a homeless man, anyone!

Evolution is in your hands.

P.S. Thanks, Suárez. The others may not recognize your genius but as a thank you present I’ve sent some a delicious Indian your way!

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20 comments on “Why Suárez’s Biting That Guy Is Justified and Why All Of Us Should Do It Too

  1. takalagamada says:

    May be he is aggressive in nature.

  2. technophile9 says:

    I haven’t really been following the World Cup. England have completely failed, and neither India nor Scotland qualified, so I have no one to support. 😛

    Would you like my opinion? I mean, my theories are mere trifles, but who knows? Here is what I think happened…

    In the year 2060, the England team, looking for inspiration, looks through footage of the 2014 World Cup. When they come across Suárez biting Chiellini, they are inspired, and perform the move at the World Cup on the moon. By biting players, they can distract them long enough to tackle the ball away from them. This is very successful and incurs no punishments. By 2060, vampires are openly accepted by society due to riots in the 2030s (although they still come across some discrimination). This means that the biting of necks no longer warrants as severe a sanction as it does today. The ‘bite and tackle’, as it comes to be known, starts to be taught by the FA, the very people that once condemned it.

    Eventually England wonders how Suárez came up with such an innovative idea. When they realise that even the best footballers could not come up with such avant garde tactics, they realise that Suárez is not a real human being, merely an agent sent from the future. They design a robot that matches Suárez’s specifications, and send him back in time. His main purpose: to use the ‘bite and tackle’ at the 2014 World Cup, which will inspire the England team in 2060. Circular logic, but it works. Just don’t think about who actually came up with the ‘bite and tackle’ or your head starts hurting.

    Conclusion: Suárez is a robot sent from 2060 by the England squad, designed specifically for the purpose of instituting the ‘bite and tackle’ in 2014. QED. 😛

    • mushroomsup says:

      Hahahahahaha 😀
      Oh my gosh, this is brilliant XD
      I’m slightly jealous now, because this is HEAPS better than my explanation. Now I’m going to stay up all night wondering about who came up with the ‘bite and tackle’ (which definitely deserves to be a real tactic).

      P.S. You really should be a writer. I enjoyed reading your comment more than I enjoyed certain books by published authors. 😛

      • technophile9 says:

        Aww shucks, you’ve made my day! I feel all warm and fuzzy. Also a little big-headed. 😛 And in my opinion, it was kind of the England squad – a robot couldn’t be capable of independent thought. Although if he was, that would make the whole thing much more interesting. 😛

  3. That was hilarious! One of those theories has to be right. It could also be because he had a premonition about his team’s loss in the next match and wanted no part in it. And now he can happily declare that the team lost because FIFA ruled he is a safety hazard for the truly human footballers, including some of the hottest men that seem to belong more in Vogue than on the field. Smart ass. Otherwise, the obvious conclusion would be that he needs therapy. The previously imposed bans seem to have had no effect on him. Or may be he just enjoys the attention.

    • mushroomsup says:

      Thank you so much 🙂
      Yes, he probably just craves the attention…and he’s very good at getting it! I was so surprised that all of Uruguay arrived at the airport to welcome a possible vampire/ psychologically disturbed footballer.
      I love your premonition theory though…if it’s true he’s a secret genius for sure!

  4. Priyal says:

    “Delicious shoulders.”
    You’re killing me but I’ll die with a smile ( I think. If you die of laughter, do your lips curl into a smile post mortem? Or do they just gape open?)

  5. speakingwins says:

    From what I’ve seen of the fine art of diving in the World Cup, it’s a wonder Suárez didn’t blame Chiellini for tripping him, thereby causing him to lose his balance and fall teeth-first into that tasty shoulder.

  6. tartarsaucer says:

    This is awesome!!

  7. hanimal says:

    HAHAHA this is so great

  8. tartarsaucer says:

    That is still making me laugh. 🙂

  9. Little Epic Me says:

    I loved your Suarez/toddler theory damn you blog good
    Also, sorry for such a late comment.

    • mushroomsup says:

      This comment makes me really happy, thank you so much 😀 To be honest, it’s an honour to have someone comment on my posts – even more so if it’s a late comment – so thank you!

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